A wee joke . . . or two

What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the rest?

A wonky.


What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the rest and a twitch in its eye?

A winky wonky.


What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the rest and a twitch in its eye that is really good at playing the piano?

A winky wonky honky tonky donkey.

I was on a train the other day and overheard a grandad tell his granddaughter this belter:

What coat is always wet when you put it on? A coat of paint!

The whole carriage groaned.

Nice Boxer6, if this does OK I’ll make it a sticky.

Two dundonian ducks flying through the air.

One duck says "quack"

The other says "for Gods sake, Ah cannae go ony quacker"

Young gunslinger wannabe walks into the saloon and spies an old hand at the game sitting at the end of the bar.

He walks over to the gnarled and world weary looking slinger and says "Hey! Aren't you Quick Draw Cassidy?"

"Yeah, kid" replies the slinger "What do you want?"

The young buck says "A few hints and tips, if you don't mind. I plan on being the best, just like you were."

The slinger looks the buck up and down and says "That holster is tied too high on your thigh. Untie it, loosen the belt until the gun drops six inches and see how that feels."

The buck does as he's told and whips the gun out, lightning quick, and shoots the cigar out of the saloon piano players mouth.

"That's great!!" says the buck "Much faster .. anything else?"

The slinger looks at the muzzle of the gun and says "You hang slightly to the right when you draw. Bend the gunsight a bit to the left to compensate."

The buck bangs the gunsight on the edge of the bar until it's bent to one side slightly. He holsters the gun and, once again, pulls out lightning fast and shoots the hat off the piano player as he tickles the ivories.

"Wow.." he says "what a difference. Anything else?"

The slinger says "pull that gun out and let me see your holster."

The buck obliges and the slingers says "If you cut a notch out of the back of the holster, that'll allow you to level the gun quicker"

The buck takes out his Bowie knife and cuts a deep groove in the back of the leather and replaces the gun before carrying out a near perfect quick draw and firing another round, this time smashing the piano player's beer glass into a thousand glittering smithereens.

"I can't tell you what a help you've been.." says the buck "Do you have one last tip for me before I go earn my fame and fortune?"

"Yeah .. " says the grizzled slinger "Go into the kitchen and ask them to cover your gun in chicken fat".

"Why? .. " says the buck, "Will that make it slip out of the holster even faster?"

"Nope!" says the slinger "but when Wyatt Earp has finished playing his tune he's gonna shove it up your ass."

A farmer decides to reward his old horse for years of hard work so he goes to the horse and says ‘you’ve been a fantastic servant to me ,is there anything you wish for that I can help with?’
The horse thinks for a minute and replies ‘well I haven’t had sex for years ,it would be lovely to make love to a beautiful horse’
The farmer agrees to sort it out for him,so a few weeks later he goes to he local animal auction.Unfortunately there are no female horses,but he does see a female zebra .Thinking the horse won’t mind since they are very similar he buys the zebra and takes it bAck to the farm. He puts the zebra in with the horse and tells he horse to have a good time and he will be back in a couple of days .
A few days later he goes back to see the horse and he sees the horse and zebra at opposite ends of the field and the horse is pacing up and down looking quite irate .
‘What’s going on ? Have you done it yet ? ‘ he asks the horse.

The horse looks at him and says ‘ well it’s 3 days since you brought her here and I still haven’t worked out how to get her pyjamas off’

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultra-sound man.

And after him?
The hip replacement guy.























I'll get my coat.

What is the most common owl?

A tea towel.

Cate Simmons sounds an absolute delight.

I prefer Aldi! However since when was Castlemilk next door to Giffnock - has the evening times become a comic?

What’s wrong with Aldi ? Much cheaper and It’s where we do all our shopping now apart from getting stuff like decent brown sauce

The car park at Moreton in Marsh Aldi always seems to be playing host to Astons and Range Rovers.

2 cats are having a race across a river.

One is called "one two three", the other is called " Un deux trois"

Who makes it across first?

One two three of course, because Un deux trois cat sank.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".