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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2018 20:12:14 GMT
What comes first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster.
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Post by Boxer6 on Apr 22, 2018 21:43:34 GMT
Paddy calls Ryanair to book a flight.
"How many people are flying with you?" asks the operator.
"I don't know," replies Paddy, "it's your fucking plane!"
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Post by Boxer6 on Apr 23, 2018 21:18:55 GMT
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't driven past."
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Post by Boxer6 on Apr 23, 2018 21:26:27 GMT
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
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Post by Roadsterstu on Apr 24, 2018 11:44:21 GMT
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't driven past." Genuine lough out loud moment! |
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Post by Boxer6 on Apr 29, 2018 9:54:10 GMT
Little Johnny returns!
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Post by Boxer6 on May 1, 2018 6:19:28 GMT
I'm selling my pet python on ebay.
Some guy just phoned up and asked,''Is it big?''
He's ''massive'' I said.
He asked,''How many feet?'',
I replied,''None,it's a fucking snake!.....
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Post by Roadrunner on May 1, 2018 12:29:20 GMT
"Whatever you do, avoid those Russian underpants."
"Why?"
"Chernobyl fall out"
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Post by Ben on May 1, 2018 13:00:43 GMT
"Whatever you do, avoid those Russian underpants." "Why?" "Chernobyl fall out" This went over my head. Explanation needed.  |
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Post by Roadrunner on May 1, 2018 13:19:49 GMT
"Whatever you do, avoid those Russian underpants." "Why?" "Chernobyl fall out" This went over my head. Explanation needed. Say it out loud. |
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Post by Alex on May 1, 2018 14:46:11 GMT
This went over my head. Explanation needed. Say it out loud. I think it’s only the Brits that use the word knob to mean something other than a door handle. Though if one’s is big enough to open doors with it’s always a good party trick! |
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Post by scouse on May 2, 2018 10:46:40 GMT
This went over my head. Explanation needed. Say it out loud. "Whatever you do, avoid those Russian underpants." "Why?" "Chernobyl fall out" chernobyl cher-knob-will yer-knob-will your knob will chernobyl - nuclear reactor explosion in Russian before your time Ben fall out - nuclear fall out - fall out of knob - penis chernobyl fall out - your penis will fall out of your underpants |
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Post by Ben on May 6, 2018 13:05:32 GMT
Thanks mate. Yeah, knob is not a common reference for me, although I know what it means! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2018 15:41:52 GMT
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Post by Boxer6 on May 20, 2018 19:22:55 GMT
An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said,
"You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st-Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied.
"2nd-What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he said.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
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