Post by Big Blue on Sept 14, 2021 14:59:21 GMT
So, 35 years ago Wham! Released their final album. Significant? Well, not really as I was a US teen so I have Music From the edge of Heaven instead, which was released in the USA and Japan only. Maybe it came to mind because we watched Chernobyl recently and that was 1986 – and somewhat more significant for W2.1 than myself given that she grew up a mere 748 miles away, compared to the 1,500 miles I was. I can still remember the newspapers in the 6th form common room filled with pictures of the smoking reactor building.
Nope: this Wham! is the Gorilla and this Final is the last report about it, which includes the final trip taken in it during which we covered as many miles as we would normally in a year.
Bad stuff.
Right let’s not kid ourselves: all cars have problems and foibles and we should never imagine that there is a perfect car, otherwise it would be the only one the entire market purchased and then would never replace – and like in The Man in the White Suit industry would be in uproar.
Spec: I would have specced the car as it was aside from one missing element: DAB. Time was that DAB was an option and the original buyer of the Gorilla didn’t listen to the radio much, obviously. To be fair this has only been an issue recently when my favourite station stopped broadcasting on FM which if I’m really honest made me action the new one a bit more seriously.
Faults: Rear air suspension which seems to be designed to fail at 100k kms from all the online comments I’ve seen. As they’re a rubber part they are not covered by BMW UC warranty either. The rear adaptive suspension also failed (three years later) but by that age and with the state of the roads I wasn’t complaining. There was also a turbo pulley causing a noise that I thought was failed bearings on the turbos (eek!) but it was just a minor issue – but a tale of why any slight noise should be investigated asap. The repair was a couple of hundred as opposed to thousands if the pulleys had caused some issue with the turbos if they failed.
The biggest wind up has been door handles. Not the soft close mechanisms (the biggest issue I have with them is passengers not understanding what “don’t fucking slam the fucking doors” means and they’ve never failed) but the comfort access. Two failed handles which causes all kinds of issues with the smart key: basically meaning I had to lock the car and then run away.
Fluid use: all Alpinas use oil but to be fair recently it’s been much better than before. Maybe they need 100k kms to bed those Mahle pistons in or something. Then I had a very concerning and mysterious loss of coolant over time. I was panicking that a head gasket was gone and kept a judicious eye on it. Then at the start of spring it stopped doing it but I still took some mixed coolant away this summer. To no avail – I used the 1 litre of 0W30 but no coolant. There is one other fluid that it uses in large volumes: V Power. Over 5½ years it’s averaged 19mpg and that was only saved by this summer’s long journey otherwise the average would be 18mpg.
Cosmetics: Now I’m aware that the stripes are a matter of taste. I like them and was glad they were on but as I park the car with the RHS in the westerly sun the stripes on that side are decidedly sad-looking. The Dutch buyer I have been speaking with said they were not original spec and indeed they were not on the build sheet so the previous owner decided to put them on.
Other than that: I chose a dark brown leather for the interior of the new car because I hate black leather and the champagne in the Gorilla is impossible to keep clean, including staining to the door pull area from whatever the previous owner had on their hands.
The worst cosmetic issue is the chunk of over lacquer taken out of the rear door after being parked at LHR one summer. There was a lot of swearing as the damage is not enough to repair and risk discolouring a section of door but big enough for me to see it. Every fucking day.
Size is a good and a bad: in this section it’s a big car when you’re in a car park or a London side street – the former leaving you in a panic that the wheels are going to be damaged. I think the track is also wider than the 550 upon which it is based making the Eurotunnel a stressful wheel-related experience. Those wheels are really great looking when they’re clean. However, I am now at the point where I never want to clean a 20 spoke alloy wheel again. The new ones are bi colour.
I am now aware that that was a long list of “bad” to the extent that I’m not sure if I’ll manage to match it with the “good” list….. so let’s try.
Good Stuff
In the words of Jeremy Clarkson – POWWWWWWEEEEERRRRRR. Gob-fulls of it at all times to the extent that you never felt you needed the 540 or 600 BHP versions. I think the G31 is probably better as it has 4WD so can use its extra 90+ horses usefully but I never ever felt short changed. It has the ability to tell anything mortal, including 911s, to smell its exhaust on the Autobahn and this is enhanced by the fact that Alpina do not limit top speeds, so 303kph is the measured top end. I saw 275kph and that was quick but didn’t feel in any way unsafe. Setting the cruise at 230kph on the Autobahn 3 also feels like a normal thing to do.
There is also the fact that despite that size it handles exceptionally well, being enjoyable to chuck round roundabouts with their chicane-like left, right, left shape. I took it up Prescott Hill in 2019 (about five runs) and it held its own but that size and weight made itself known into the first left hander as you’ve done a full-on launch in a two tonne car and are then asking it to make a 90o left at very high speed. I also did a couple of consistency trials up the Captain’s Drive at the RAC Country Club and got two 4th places for my efforts (so no bloody trophy). I didn’t measure my consistency though, instead using the time to make use of full-on power on a closed road so on reflection 4th after acting like a hoon was not that bad.
The HQ version of one of those photos was used as a Club poster to promote the next Consistency Trial so the car has at least had its moment in the spotlight.
Now one of the first boxes I ticked on the new car was Adaptive suspension and with good reason. In Comfort on a long motorway run it is soothing and relaxing and Sport makes it feel controlled and “pointy” like a BMW should without the crashing and banging over ruts and potholes the E39 B10 suffered from. The long journeys we have done have seen the girls fall asleep and it also managed three 6’ boys in the back with little sister up front with no space issues (although they’re skinnier than me and don’t have female hips either so that’s not an outright measure of space: it’s still a 4+1 car if child seats are involved).
On to that space issue there was really no shortage of it. It felt as spacious as the A8 (W2.1’s favourite car, a fact she mentions every time we go on a journey) even if it wasn’t and having a Touring boot means that long journeys are not like those of my youth. “Get in the car Jeff and we’ll pack around you” was the norm, usually for the return journey after my mum and step-dad had bought all manner of crap. This includes a set of floor tiles that made their way from La Manga to Muswell Hill in 1979, where they resided until I renovated the kitchen of my first flat in 1993. My builder, Laurence, was skeptical.
“Jeff, how long have you had these tiles?”.
“They’ve been in my aunt’s cellar since the ‘70s. They’re ceramic: it’s not that they’re going to go off.”
“I was thinking more of the design. Not sure it’ll work with those ultra-modern cabinet doors you’ve chosen.”
I digress, but like the Gorilla the tiles looked good despite their age. Like all estate cars the F11 wears its years well, far better than the F10 IMHO. It was a no-brainer in selecting another estate: even the alternative Porsche Panamera would be the ST model. All that complaining about cleaning the wheels they look superb when they are clean.
It is also supremely comfortable and cossetting. I drove two 8 hr shifts from SK to the UK and felt that I could have just turned round and done it the other way immediately. The BMW comfort seats are exactly that and the airflow feature, leg massagers and humongous adjustability means that the next generation have work to do to be even better.
It’s also easy to use as a driver. It has the right blend of toys and technology for a middle aged old fucker like me. I like technology and always have but I also like the tactile element of knobs and buttons that are always exactly where you want them to be every time. I’m glad that the replacement follows much of this thinking, retaining that mix of tech and touch. Of those toys, I like iDrive, the music juke box, the air seats, the heated steering wheel, the HUD, the radar cruise, lane departure warning, surround view, panoramic roof, rear-glass only opening option (fabulous for packing stuff in without having to balance it – but remember to take those bits out through the glass first!), soft close doors (which I considered asking to have added to the new one despite BMW UK not offering them but a new build should be able to have them – however see my gripe about door slamming passengers above) and the shortcut buttons.
The final journey
Well it wouldn’t be September without me doing a Holiday Rental thread, so here it is – only it obviously wasn’t a rental. I’ve highlighted what the car was like above so what was the journey like? Not without incident so it transpired.
Firstly the Eurotunnel outbound from England. I have used the tunnel often over the years and varying times of the day. On this occasion we decided on a mid afternoon crossing as it tied in with stopping in Reims for the night. Mid afternoon; school holidays; Eurotunnel; no queue. Not only no queue – no other car. In the terminal we were four of about ten customers – outnumbered by really bored staff. I’ve never seen it like that even at 4 in the morning.
The drive to Reims was fine and, in the morning, before we started our trip south I made a quick visit to the grandstand in Gueux. I’m sure many of you have done the same so needless to say it is an iconic site for race lovers.
On to the Var we went. As we approached a toll booth W2.1 was castigating one child. She took her seatbelt off and as she sat back down I was unsighted in my RH door mirror. So I didn’t see the two French cars heading left for the automatic T lanes until late so I braked harder than I would have, pushing her forwards and in to the screen. My first reaction was “are you OK?” at which point she said “well we’re not are we?”, pointing out the very large crack in the screen. Oh dear.
The long and the short of that was that I had to claim a new screen. All covered etc. no issues with money but…… the underwriter had clearly had some bad experiences with resolving windscreen replacement abroad and told me to get it done and claim it back. Trying to explain to Carglass (the French company we call Autoglass) that I want to pay for a new screen myself was not a short job but ultimately it got done and the screen cameras all recalibrated. The insurer paid me out in two days which was two weeks faster than the hotel I cancelled in Cannes took to refund me when we decided to stay in a different one.
Reaction to the car in Europe is much different to the UK as Alpina is more of a known quantity. The drivers at the hotel in Cannes immediately smiled and said “Ah, Alpina! It is lucky I am not the younger me.” but the best reaction was at the border in Slovakia where they actually checked our COVID certificates (no one else did aside from an hotel in Austria, who asked for it to be emailed then when we went for breakfast no one was required to have a mask anywhere). The policeman asked about the Alpina, checked our vaccinations and then said (in perfect English – he was young) “OK. You can go. Full gas.” “Really?” I said. “Yes – we are waiting to hear it.” he replied and I looked round to see all the border guards standing in a line smiling.
Sport mode; sport gearbox, kickdown. Give the public what they want I always say. W2.1 said they only stopped us to see and hear the car.
The car otherwise behaved as expected except in one area – I used the litre of oil I took and didn’t need the coolant mix I had made up but the service indicator said 9,000 miles to next service when I left. On the drive to SK it decided I needed new rear brakes. When we reached the in-laws I did a physical check and they had at least 1,000kms in them but the drive home is longer than that. So whilst in Zlin, CZ visiting the SiL I booked in at the BMW dealer for new rear brakes. I’ll be doing that again: new rear brake pads and disks with no VAT at a price that was less than Cooper Thames Ditton charged me for just front pads three years ago.
The drive back through Germany was largely uneventful: a couple of times the older daughter said: “Is there a speed limit here, daddy? We’re going very fast” “No. See that sign in the dash? That’s the no limit sign.”
So the rub with far too many British registered cars on the autobahn: you’re shit at driving fast and think you’re fast because you speed in the 120kph sections. A fair few Brit cars overtook me in the limited sections but then got whooshed in the unlimited sections. The worst offender was an X3 that passed me in the limited section then as me and a BMW 550i I just happened to be behind for about 100kms came up behind it at 225kph-ish the 550 passed and the cunt pulled out in front of me at about 140kph. I lit the sky up with swearing and headlights and he pulled straight back in then I realised why it was slow behind the vehicle in front: it was a police car. But we’re in the unlimited section - the police car is more concerned about you pulling out in front of me than me passing him at over 200kph.
After leaving the Autobahn at Aachen the drive through Belgium is the weirdest thing in the automotive world I reckon. An empty, three-lane, dead-straight motorway with 120kph limit and it really does feel like you are stationary after the previous few hours on the A3 and A2. Surreal.
Then we had the joys of waiting to be let into the country at the Eurotunnel. The good thing about technology is that all the forms, vaccinations stuff and tracing is online meaning the only thing that needs checking after you’ve been through ANPR is the passports. How fucking long was that? We had an open return and the guy told us the time of the next train. The wait was so long we missed it. When we eventually got to the UK passport window the first question the woman asked was “do you have right to remain” directed at W2.1. “It’s on my passport but I have the certificate just in case.”
Now W2.1 has been coming to the UK since before SK was in the EU and her experience is that border staff are complete cunts, not for any reason other than they can be. She’s never not had the right paperwork and with me as witness I’ve seen border staff that didn’t know SK was in the EU years after it had joined (and the UK was still in). In this instance the woman is supposed to check the passports and see that W2.1 has the right to remain without the need to make her feel uncomfortable about it by asking first. As I said: cunts because they can be and for no other reason.
So that final part of the journey. I reckon you get to Maidstone with everyone obeying lane discipline after driving on the continent before it all goes out of the window with cars staying on the middle and right-hand lane. You also notice that the M20 is a rutted old cart track compared to the motorways you’ve spent the past few weeks on (although non motorway roads are shit across Europe mainly – except Czech ones in Moravia which are superb).
Numbers.
This journey was 3,679 miles, used 688.18 litres of petrol at a cost of £1,032.52. The average MPG then was 24.31. This included some town driving, some fast driving and some very frugal driving (coming down from the mountains in Austria into Salzburg was probably about 100mpg!). Needless to say I did my “best ever” tank on fuelly on this trip. I also discovered that the gauge that shows how many miles there are left is better in kms than miles. In Miles it’s calibrated to 400 miles which the Gorilla would never do in a single tank unless you ran it to fumes. In Kms it’s calibrated to 600km so you actually see the gauge full.
Overall the numbers look like this:
Miles: 20,910
Petrol: 5001 litres; £6,769.29; 87 fills.
MPG: Best 26.6; Avg 19.01
Service: £8,015.74
So more to service than fill. That includes big ticket items like suspension elements and tyres but not the windscreen as that was an insurance claim. If I add in the insurance cost and the tax it works out at £0.946 per mile before depreciation. I’ll update that when (if) it sells but I expect it to be £1.70ish – a figure that will owe as much to the better rate of exchange I had at the time of purchase as to any depreciation mathematics. For what is essentially a toy.
Conclusion
I’ve not driven it since we returned and have re-registered it so that it doesn’t look like “my” car anymore. I don’t want my last trip to be “stuck in traffic in Epsom” when it is currently “charging across Europe like a Panzer Kommandant”. That says it all about the high regard I hold this car in, as much as I took the option of having it collected to go to auction in a closed wagon so I don’t see it driven off by some other bloke through my own neighbourhood.
I’ve been frustrated by the little niggly faults (the comfort access handles by far the biggest ones) but they are outweighed by the times I’ve sat it on a motorway and melted all opposition, including a couple of superbikes. All with the ability to carry the family and our luggage.
W2.1 forbade me from buying another Alpina this time but after the journey we just had I think I can look to getting another one in four years’ time, but Alpina are still stating an opposition to PHEV which they’ll need to change unless plant-based fuels or hydrogen take off in the market.
So I don’t regret one minute of ownership and I am not as sad to see it go as I was the R1 when that went. It’s been the family car, my sports car, my fancy car and the van. Nothing about it to not like.
Last picture has to be parked in the electric car charging points in the EA / DEFRA car park. Juxtaposition doesn't come much more clearly defined.
Nope: this Wham! is the Gorilla and this Final is the last report about it, which includes the final trip taken in it during which we covered as many miles as we would normally in a year.
Bad stuff.
Right let’s not kid ourselves: all cars have problems and foibles and we should never imagine that there is a perfect car, otherwise it would be the only one the entire market purchased and then would never replace – and like in The Man in the White Suit industry would be in uproar.
Spec: I would have specced the car as it was aside from one missing element: DAB. Time was that DAB was an option and the original buyer of the Gorilla didn’t listen to the radio much, obviously. To be fair this has only been an issue recently when my favourite station stopped broadcasting on FM which if I’m really honest made me action the new one a bit more seriously.
Faults: Rear air suspension which seems to be designed to fail at 100k kms from all the online comments I’ve seen. As they’re a rubber part they are not covered by BMW UC warranty either. The rear adaptive suspension also failed (three years later) but by that age and with the state of the roads I wasn’t complaining. There was also a turbo pulley causing a noise that I thought was failed bearings on the turbos (eek!) but it was just a minor issue – but a tale of why any slight noise should be investigated asap. The repair was a couple of hundred as opposed to thousands if the pulleys had caused some issue with the turbos if they failed.
The biggest wind up has been door handles. Not the soft close mechanisms (the biggest issue I have with them is passengers not understanding what “don’t fucking slam the fucking doors” means and they’ve never failed) but the comfort access. Two failed handles which causes all kinds of issues with the smart key: basically meaning I had to lock the car and then run away.
Fluid use: all Alpinas use oil but to be fair recently it’s been much better than before. Maybe they need 100k kms to bed those Mahle pistons in or something. Then I had a very concerning and mysterious loss of coolant over time. I was panicking that a head gasket was gone and kept a judicious eye on it. Then at the start of spring it stopped doing it but I still took some mixed coolant away this summer. To no avail – I used the 1 litre of 0W30 but no coolant. There is one other fluid that it uses in large volumes: V Power. Over 5½ years it’s averaged 19mpg and that was only saved by this summer’s long journey otherwise the average would be 18mpg.
Cosmetics: Now I’m aware that the stripes are a matter of taste. I like them and was glad they were on but as I park the car with the RHS in the westerly sun the stripes on that side are decidedly sad-looking. The Dutch buyer I have been speaking with said they were not original spec and indeed they were not on the build sheet so the previous owner decided to put them on.
Other than that: I chose a dark brown leather for the interior of the new car because I hate black leather and the champagne in the Gorilla is impossible to keep clean, including staining to the door pull area from whatever the previous owner had on their hands.
The worst cosmetic issue is the chunk of over lacquer taken out of the rear door after being parked at LHR one summer. There was a lot of swearing as the damage is not enough to repair and risk discolouring a section of door but big enough for me to see it. Every fucking day.
Size is a good and a bad: in this section it’s a big car when you’re in a car park or a London side street – the former leaving you in a panic that the wheels are going to be damaged. I think the track is also wider than the 550 upon which it is based making the Eurotunnel a stressful wheel-related experience. Those wheels are really great looking when they’re clean. However, I am now at the point where I never want to clean a 20 spoke alloy wheel again. The new ones are bi colour.
I am now aware that that was a long list of “bad” to the extent that I’m not sure if I’ll manage to match it with the “good” list….. so let’s try.
Good Stuff
In the words of Jeremy Clarkson – POWWWWWWEEEEERRRRRR. Gob-fulls of it at all times to the extent that you never felt you needed the 540 or 600 BHP versions. I think the G31 is probably better as it has 4WD so can use its extra 90+ horses usefully but I never ever felt short changed. It has the ability to tell anything mortal, including 911s, to smell its exhaust on the Autobahn and this is enhanced by the fact that Alpina do not limit top speeds, so 303kph is the measured top end. I saw 275kph and that was quick but didn’t feel in any way unsafe. Setting the cruise at 230kph on the Autobahn 3 also feels like a normal thing to do.
There is also the fact that despite that size it handles exceptionally well, being enjoyable to chuck round roundabouts with their chicane-like left, right, left shape. I took it up Prescott Hill in 2019 (about five runs) and it held its own but that size and weight made itself known into the first left hander as you’ve done a full-on launch in a two tonne car and are then asking it to make a 90o left at very high speed. I also did a couple of consistency trials up the Captain’s Drive at the RAC Country Club and got two 4th places for my efforts (so no bloody trophy). I didn’t measure my consistency though, instead using the time to make use of full-on power on a closed road so on reflection 4th after acting like a hoon was not that bad.
The HQ version of one of those photos was used as a Club poster to promote the next Consistency Trial so the car has at least had its moment in the spotlight.
Now one of the first boxes I ticked on the new car was Adaptive suspension and with good reason. In Comfort on a long motorway run it is soothing and relaxing and Sport makes it feel controlled and “pointy” like a BMW should without the crashing and banging over ruts and potholes the E39 B10 suffered from. The long journeys we have done have seen the girls fall asleep and it also managed three 6’ boys in the back with little sister up front with no space issues (although they’re skinnier than me and don’t have female hips either so that’s not an outright measure of space: it’s still a 4+1 car if child seats are involved).
On to that space issue there was really no shortage of it. It felt as spacious as the A8 (W2.1’s favourite car, a fact she mentions every time we go on a journey) even if it wasn’t and having a Touring boot means that long journeys are not like those of my youth. “Get in the car Jeff and we’ll pack around you” was the norm, usually for the return journey after my mum and step-dad had bought all manner of crap. This includes a set of floor tiles that made their way from La Manga to Muswell Hill in 1979, where they resided until I renovated the kitchen of my first flat in 1993. My builder, Laurence, was skeptical.
“Jeff, how long have you had these tiles?”.
“They’ve been in my aunt’s cellar since the ‘70s. They’re ceramic: it’s not that they’re going to go off.”
“I was thinking more of the design. Not sure it’ll work with those ultra-modern cabinet doors you’ve chosen.”
I digress, but like the Gorilla the tiles looked good despite their age. Like all estate cars the F11 wears its years well, far better than the F10 IMHO. It was a no-brainer in selecting another estate: even the alternative Porsche Panamera would be the ST model. All that complaining about cleaning the wheels they look superb when they are clean.
It is also supremely comfortable and cossetting. I drove two 8 hr shifts from SK to the UK and felt that I could have just turned round and done it the other way immediately. The BMW comfort seats are exactly that and the airflow feature, leg massagers and humongous adjustability means that the next generation have work to do to be even better.
It’s also easy to use as a driver. It has the right blend of toys and technology for a middle aged old fucker like me. I like technology and always have but I also like the tactile element of knobs and buttons that are always exactly where you want them to be every time. I’m glad that the replacement follows much of this thinking, retaining that mix of tech and touch. Of those toys, I like iDrive, the music juke box, the air seats, the heated steering wheel, the HUD, the radar cruise, lane departure warning, surround view, panoramic roof, rear-glass only opening option (fabulous for packing stuff in without having to balance it – but remember to take those bits out through the glass first!), soft close doors (which I considered asking to have added to the new one despite BMW UK not offering them but a new build should be able to have them – however see my gripe about door slamming passengers above) and the shortcut buttons.
The final journey
Well it wouldn’t be September without me doing a Holiday Rental thread, so here it is – only it obviously wasn’t a rental. I’ve highlighted what the car was like above so what was the journey like? Not without incident so it transpired.
Firstly the Eurotunnel outbound from England. I have used the tunnel often over the years and varying times of the day. On this occasion we decided on a mid afternoon crossing as it tied in with stopping in Reims for the night. Mid afternoon; school holidays; Eurotunnel; no queue. Not only no queue – no other car. In the terminal we were four of about ten customers – outnumbered by really bored staff. I’ve never seen it like that even at 4 in the morning.
The drive to Reims was fine and, in the morning, before we started our trip south I made a quick visit to the grandstand in Gueux. I’m sure many of you have done the same so needless to say it is an iconic site for race lovers.
On to the Var we went. As we approached a toll booth W2.1 was castigating one child. She took her seatbelt off and as she sat back down I was unsighted in my RH door mirror. So I didn’t see the two French cars heading left for the automatic T lanes until late so I braked harder than I would have, pushing her forwards and in to the screen. My first reaction was “are you OK?” at which point she said “well we’re not are we?”, pointing out the very large crack in the screen. Oh dear.
The long and the short of that was that I had to claim a new screen. All covered etc. no issues with money but…… the underwriter had clearly had some bad experiences with resolving windscreen replacement abroad and told me to get it done and claim it back. Trying to explain to Carglass (the French company we call Autoglass) that I want to pay for a new screen myself was not a short job but ultimately it got done and the screen cameras all recalibrated. The insurer paid me out in two days which was two weeks faster than the hotel I cancelled in Cannes took to refund me when we decided to stay in a different one.
Reaction to the car in Europe is much different to the UK as Alpina is more of a known quantity. The drivers at the hotel in Cannes immediately smiled and said “Ah, Alpina! It is lucky I am not the younger me.” but the best reaction was at the border in Slovakia where they actually checked our COVID certificates (no one else did aside from an hotel in Austria, who asked for it to be emailed then when we went for breakfast no one was required to have a mask anywhere). The policeman asked about the Alpina, checked our vaccinations and then said (in perfect English – he was young) “OK. You can go. Full gas.” “Really?” I said. “Yes – we are waiting to hear it.” he replied and I looked round to see all the border guards standing in a line smiling.
Sport mode; sport gearbox, kickdown. Give the public what they want I always say. W2.1 said they only stopped us to see and hear the car.
The car otherwise behaved as expected except in one area – I used the litre of oil I took and didn’t need the coolant mix I had made up but the service indicator said 9,000 miles to next service when I left. On the drive to SK it decided I needed new rear brakes. When we reached the in-laws I did a physical check and they had at least 1,000kms in them but the drive home is longer than that. So whilst in Zlin, CZ visiting the SiL I booked in at the BMW dealer for new rear brakes. I’ll be doing that again: new rear brake pads and disks with no VAT at a price that was less than Cooper Thames Ditton charged me for just front pads three years ago.
The drive back through Germany was largely uneventful: a couple of times the older daughter said: “Is there a speed limit here, daddy? We’re going very fast” “No. See that sign in the dash? That’s the no limit sign.”
So the rub with far too many British registered cars on the autobahn: you’re shit at driving fast and think you’re fast because you speed in the 120kph sections. A fair few Brit cars overtook me in the limited sections but then got whooshed in the unlimited sections. The worst offender was an X3 that passed me in the limited section then as me and a BMW 550i I just happened to be behind for about 100kms came up behind it at 225kph-ish the 550 passed and the cunt pulled out in front of me at about 140kph. I lit the sky up with swearing and headlights and he pulled straight back in then I realised why it was slow behind the vehicle in front: it was a police car. But we’re in the unlimited section - the police car is more concerned about you pulling out in front of me than me passing him at over 200kph.
After leaving the Autobahn at Aachen the drive through Belgium is the weirdest thing in the automotive world I reckon. An empty, three-lane, dead-straight motorway with 120kph limit and it really does feel like you are stationary after the previous few hours on the A3 and A2. Surreal.
Then we had the joys of waiting to be let into the country at the Eurotunnel. The good thing about technology is that all the forms, vaccinations stuff and tracing is online meaning the only thing that needs checking after you’ve been through ANPR is the passports. How fucking long was that? We had an open return and the guy told us the time of the next train. The wait was so long we missed it. When we eventually got to the UK passport window the first question the woman asked was “do you have right to remain” directed at W2.1. “It’s on my passport but I have the certificate just in case.”
Now W2.1 has been coming to the UK since before SK was in the EU and her experience is that border staff are complete cunts, not for any reason other than they can be. She’s never not had the right paperwork and with me as witness I’ve seen border staff that didn’t know SK was in the EU years after it had joined (and the UK was still in). In this instance the woman is supposed to check the passports and see that W2.1 has the right to remain without the need to make her feel uncomfortable about it by asking first. As I said: cunts because they can be and for no other reason.
So that final part of the journey. I reckon you get to Maidstone with everyone obeying lane discipline after driving on the continent before it all goes out of the window with cars staying on the middle and right-hand lane. You also notice that the M20 is a rutted old cart track compared to the motorways you’ve spent the past few weeks on (although non motorway roads are shit across Europe mainly – except Czech ones in Moravia which are superb).
Numbers.
This journey was 3,679 miles, used 688.18 litres of petrol at a cost of £1,032.52. The average MPG then was 24.31. This included some town driving, some fast driving and some very frugal driving (coming down from the mountains in Austria into Salzburg was probably about 100mpg!). Needless to say I did my “best ever” tank on fuelly on this trip. I also discovered that the gauge that shows how many miles there are left is better in kms than miles. In Miles it’s calibrated to 400 miles which the Gorilla would never do in a single tank unless you ran it to fumes. In Kms it’s calibrated to 600km so you actually see the gauge full.
Overall the numbers look like this:
Miles: 20,910
Petrol: 5001 litres; £6,769.29; 87 fills.
MPG: Best 26.6; Avg 19.01
Service: £8,015.74
So more to service than fill. That includes big ticket items like suspension elements and tyres but not the windscreen as that was an insurance claim. If I add in the insurance cost and the tax it works out at £0.946 per mile before depreciation. I’ll update that when (if) it sells but I expect it to be £1.70ish – a figure that will owe as much to the better rate of exchange I had at the time of purchase as to any depreciation mathematics. For what is essentially a toy.
Conclusion
I’ve not driven it since we returned and have re-registered it so that it doesn’t look like “my” car anymore. I don’t want my last trip to be “stuck in traffic in Epsom” when it is currently “charging across Europe like a Panzer Kommandant”. That says it all about the high regard I hold this car in, as much as I took the option of having it collected to go to auction in a closed wagon so I don’t see it driven off by some other bloke through my own neighbourhood.
I’ve been frustrated by the little niggly faults (the comfort access handles by far the biggest ones) but they are outweighed by the times I’ve sat it on a motorway and melted all opposition, including a couple of superbikes. All with the ability to carry the family and our luggage.
W2.1 forbade me from buying another Alpina this time but after the journey we just had I think I can look to getting another one in four years’ time, but Alpina are still stating an opposition to PHEV which they’ll need to change unless plant-based fuels or hydrogen take off in the market.
So I don’t regret one minute of ownership and I am not as sad to see it go as I was the R1 when that went. It’s been the family car, my sports car, my fancy car and the van. Nothing about it to not like.
Last picture has to be parked in the electric car charging points in the EA / DEFRA car park. Juxtaposition doesn't come much more clearly defined.
