Grand Picasso

So we recently enjoyed a long w/end north of the border and were pleasingly able to enjoy a completely free car rental courtesy of Avis who had sent me a voucher for a complimentary w/end hire of a "Class E vehicle" (which does not mean an E-Class sadly). Initially, this turned out to be a bright red VW Golf TSI 5dr. I can tell you very little about it since we picked it up at gone 12.30am on Thursday night thanks to a very delayed Crappyjet flight, drove it to the Castle Terrace carpark in Edinburgh, left it there all day Friday and then drove it back to the airport on Friday evening. Didn't even need to put fuel in it. All I do remember is that it was difficult to drive smoothly thanks to a very high biting point on the clutch.

I was full of nostalgia initially because when I was university down the road at St Andrews, I had a bright red Mk2 Golf 1.8GL 5dr, of which this car was pretty much the 2017 equivalent. So the thought of whizzing around the east of Scotland in a red Golf was definitely rolling back the years. However, just as we were about to leave Edinburgh on Friday evening to drive up to Angus for a shooting w/end, our hosts rang to say their flight to Aberdeen had been cancelled and they were re-routing via Edinburgh. Ie, were we still in Edinburgh and could they have a lift… Yes, except that four adults and a toddler, plus car seat, a vast "off-roader" double pram and a sizeable pile of luggage does not fit into a Golf. Particularly since the latest iteration of Golf seems to have a remarkably small boot.

I must say Avis Edinburgh were very good. I rang up, got the same charming girl as the evening before, explained our predicament and she said "no problem, just come back to the airport and we'll swap you into something bigger for no charge". Which, given I wasn't paying anything to start with, was pretty good service.

Initially, "something bigger" translated into a Nissan Qashqai but when I winced a bit, she quickly proffered a 7-seater instead, which turned out to be a bright blue 17-plate Citroen Grand Picasso. Beggars cannot be choosers, so I accepted gratefully and we just about squashed everything into Pablo's namesake, including the insanely large pram.

I do not know exactly what flavour of Grand Picasso it was, other than that it was a 6-speed manual turbodiesel and in ritzy "Flair" spec. Which brought with it smart alloys, a vast panoramic glass roof, sat nav, massage seats, parking sensors, a rear-view camera and all manner of other FG. It's not a bad-looking bus externally either, especially in a rather fetching shade of metallic blue with silver bits. Inside, well you either do or don't like the distinctive dash layout with the vast central screen and complete absence of anything actually in front of you. I don't much. And the fact that all the controls are digitised, including for the heating/ventilation isn't an ergonomic masterpiece. But it all felt decently enough screwed together with smart satin metal finishing that did a reasonable job of lifting the ambience. And I have never been in a car that was so easy to use the Bluetooth on. It simply connected without me appearing to do anything at all and worked a treat. The sat nav was less intuitive (not a patch on the BMW system) and had some funny route choices, but at least it had sat nav, which was a bonus.

You will unsurprised to learn that a heavily laden dieseasel GP is not ball of fire. But it clipped along alright through the Scottish night and only consumed 20 litres of BP's finest black stuff over about 200 miles of driving during the course of the w/end. On the subject of clipping along, shorn of a full load, the handling is actually rather better than you might expect. It feels more agile that you would ever expect whilst obviously being no sports hatch. It's also generally comfortable although the pillowy ride that I think of when I hear the word "Citroen" was noticeable only by its absence. It wasn't an uncomfortable ride – just more pattery than I would have expected. Forward visibility is excellent but the headlights are poor – perhaps we are all now used to piercing xenons, but even in the dark of a rural night, my chum and I agreed that they weren't great on high-beam and decidedly anaemic on dipped.

Where the GP did score highly was on useful practicality. Our friends, who have one small child and are expecting another shortly, have…..of course…..you've guessed it……a last-of-the-line Discovery 4. Which is all actually forgivable given they do actually use it for what a Discovery does best, which is clambering across the landscape far from anything resembling asphalt. But they pronounced themselves very impressed with the sheer family-friendliness of the GP. Rear seats that all slide about independently. Easy-fix everything. Vast boot. Lots of space. Lots of cubbies. Lots of evidence that thought had gone into family needs.

So, all in all, I can see why this would be an excellent family car for those blessed with overly fertile loins and worthy adult attitudes towards responsibility and whatnot. But despite all the admirable design features and distinctive styling, it's somehow got all the desirability of a chest freezer. Just driving along in it made me feel old before my time. Being somewhat juvenile in what attracts me to cars, I have zero desire to own one and can see precisely why people are moving away from MPVs to fancier SUVs. But for the grown-ups out there (the sort so ably parodied by Rob Brydon), I can why this is a very sensible way to spend £25k on family transport.